Returning to the Past – 47th Part

Every beginning is difficult. It requires a lot of learning and sensitivity to notice the details.

After living with this Pastor for some time, we moved to another apartment to live alone and there I was literally alone. I was very happy to live for the 2nd time in 8 years of marriag alone with my husband, where I was the only housewife. I cleaned the house every week, cooked, ironed, and I did all this with great pleasure and enjoyment. I did my best. Every day I prepared home cooked meal for Julio and did my best for breakfast and dinner. For dinner, we ate what was left over from lunch with a little creativity I made it seem freshly made.

Since we lived alone, there was always left overs from lunch. So I learned to make several dishes from the “leftovers” from the previous day, so food would not get thrown out. I did all this with pleasure. For me it was a great opportunity to take care of everything in our life.

Julio always wanted to save me from working too much, but I insisted on serving him with all my love and he appreciated that a lot. He loved my food, the way I cleaned the house and ironed his clothes.

I had a notebook where I wrote down recipes when I lived with my parents. I also had cookbooks that people gave me, and magazines to improve my cooking skills.

In addition to trying new recipes I wrote the date I made it, and “done,” next to it and whether I liked it or not.

My pots where cleaned every day. My closet and refrigerator were always clean, but I did the deep cleaning once a week, and always left everything well organized.

At this time, we had already found a place to open our church in English. We worked daily with the preparations to open the church. Julio did his part to prepare for the opening and I organized other things.

To my sorrow, the only wife who was nearby was transferred. I cried a lot. She was my only companion. She said good-bye, and I, un tears, said goodbye.
At this point, I missed having a friend around. After I suffered all the “losses” I did not receive calls from anyone except my parents.

Not too long after another wife came. I received her with open arms. She had just gotten married and was very young. But she made me laugh a lot.

However, after I finished everything that kept me busy, the devil’s voice would talk to me…
Things that did not even make sense, but since I was sensitive, giving reason to my feelings, that voice, coming from the devil, seemed to make sense!

Often, after all the cleaning and dinner was done, I sat there with this pain in my chest from missing my children so much.

I even tried to contact the person who had them, to see if there was any chance to talk to them, and the person said no that I could never get in touch with them.

It was very difficult to control all that longing.

It is amazing how sensitive I was! When I went to the super market to shop, and I always saw children with their parents. But I focused more on the mothers with their son or daughter. It really called my attention, it seemed as though I was watching them to “kidnap” them. It was like I was living my life, and suddenly when I saw a mother with her daughter, everything else went dark, and the spot light was on the girl and her mother: The daughter would say, “Oh mom, I want this…” and the mother, with a calm tone stroking her daughter’s hair would say, “Honey, Mommy can not give you that right now, only later.” Something simple to a mother, but for me it was a dream.

It was a dream that I wished could be a reality in my life, but only seemed as though I would watch others and not actually live it.

One day, when I could no longer bare the pain of so much longing, I asked Julio to support me in adopting a child. And he said, “No.”

I insisted and insisted, but Julio was determined, he would not go back on his word. He said, “Mimiu, we were called to be soul winners and you are worried about having another child. If it is not Luis and Vera, then we will not have any children. You insisted on adopting and look what happened. Even if your father says, “Julio adopt” I will not!”

When I heard this, it was like I was watching myself when I was a kid. I wanted to cover my ears for the only chance I had, which was to ask my father to intercede for me.

Julio was determined and firm in his decision. That decision, was putting an end to my dream coming true.

Then I heard a soft and calm voice coming from the Holy Spirit that said to me, “Viviane, if you ask me to take away the desire to have children, I will do it.”

That voice came along with memories of the past, when everything I asked God was fulfilled.

But I was very defensive and I said within myself: “Oh no, God! I already sacrificed my children and now you want me to give You my only hope? Oh no! ”

God spoke very softly, because the sound of my will was shouting much louder in revolt against my pain.

I will tell you more next week.