Returning to the Past – 43th Part

How do you control your feelings after living as a mother for three years, how can you suddenly just “stop it”?

Imagine knowing that your children will no longer be returning to you! How much pain! And the memories that are still in your head? How to deal with how much you miss them? And the worst thing for me was being able to understand the fact that a person of God was going through all this, and people who do not even care about God, live with their children and sometimes even mistreat them!

What will happen to these children? One day they were with us and the next they were taken away. What is going on inside their heads? In addition to feeling abandoned by their biological parents, they were apparently being rejected a second time!

So many thoughts came to me.

And the people who know us, how will they react? In the beginning, they asked where the children were…

It was so difficult to deal with this question. Besides trying to control my feelings, I had to also make people understand the situation we were living.

Just like we could not understand the reason why we were going through this, I had people asking me what we had done with the children. Some even thought we did not want them anymore. There were rumors that we were rejecting the children because of the difficulties.

What could we tell the people? There was nothing we could say because just touching on the subject was agonizing.

Our routine continued the same. Julio doing the Work of God, passing faith, life to those in need and I went back to a routine of a wife without children. Living with the pain, going to church, dealing with other wives, without even being able to count on them.

Pain and more pain, it seemed to be uncontrollable. But apparently I was able to control it because I did not cry. It was “stuck” inside my chest. At times it seemed as though I forgot to breathe, I would suddenly sigh very deep, trying to catch my breath.

I lived strange situations in relations to all that was going on inside of me.

Once I was able to detect something horrible inside of me: While I was at the Supermarket shopping, I happened to hear a child crying for something, from the other side and instantly I said to myself, “See … you had a child! Now deal with it!”

When I said this, in my heart, I realized it was not a natural Viviane reaction. A child crying never bothered me before. Of course, a child crying is not always pleasant, but I noticed that everything that was linked to a mother and child seems to bother me, I did not accept it well. There seemed to be a revolt inside of me because of this… I could not understand in my heart, unconsciously, that someone could have children and live a normal life with them. It seemed to be some sort of envy.

I had never felt like this before. I was never envious of what I did not have. But with so much pain and conflicts going on inside of me I was having an unknown and shameful reaction.

At that same moment, I said to myself: “What I am saying, my God, why can’t I hear a child cry without getting angry at the mother?”

I was emotionally confused with a mix of revolt.

But I was aware that everything I was feeling was not what would dictate my life. On the contrary, I would teach myself to surrender. That is, I would fight against my flesh. I was finally revolted against life.

It was time to get to know who we are and what kind of faith we profess.

God allowed all this to happen, and in fact, at the time it was all very painful, but at the same time it gave me an experience I would’ve never have if I was only aware of the Word of God.

God is so patient and so merciful. Only He can understand and teach us.

He did not condemn me, nor rebuke me at that time. Instead, He was silent. He let me think about myself and draw my own conclusions, on the faith and the situation that I was living.

That to me is beautiful! It is respect. It is the space we need to put in order our own head, the situation and to measure our faith and not only use our emotions.

Emotions are the first symptoms, we all feel, but faith can discern everything; it weighs, evaluates and measures, and this can only happen with time or silence.

In front of many things we cannot understand what is happening to us at the time, but later on we will certainly have an answer. If you’ve been reading my diary, you will understand the reason for this pain. You will even understand the reactions of people who do not understand like you expect them to.