Pretending not to notice
When I started partaking in the Rush months, a period in which tasks have to be competed in order to get into Godllywood, I was going through so many conflicts within me and the circumstances that I faced were the most difficult ones I have faced until now.
But I knew I couldn’t go back because I wanted a radical change within me.
I wanted to change, but I couldn’t do it with my own strength. I wasn’t able to see my inner being on my own. I needed “outside ” help from people who could show me who I really was, and help me change.
I thought I knew who I was inside, and that the Lord saw me as I saw myself. But after a while, I began to understand the opposite: God doesn’t look at me like I look at myself. He sees deep inside, much more than I thought.
He knows my inner fears, inferiorities, traumas, habits that are there and I never noticed, or at least pretended not to notice.
A person without realizing is living like a blind man in darkness. She is only fooling herself thinking that everything is going well in her spiritual life. She simply doesn’t want to accept the reality.
But God is always there and willing to reach out and help us, and for me, this help came from the Godllywood Rush months. It was a great privilege for me to be able to participate, because I was challenging myself. These challenges aren’t just for a period of time, but for the rest of our lives. We must not only complete the tasks, but live them, and practice them during the whole course of our journey here.
After all, if the person tries to do it themselves, it will be hard to define and challenge themselves, because they will always find excuses not to or forget to do so ( like it was difficult for me at first L . But when a person does it with other people, they share their experiences with each other, it gives you an incentive to go ahead. It also makes us more disciplined which becomes part of our lives.
The person is always trying to challenge herself, because she, now, has the incentive to change and will put into practice this change in her life.
I can say with certainty that by participating in the Ruth months, I didn’t lose anything, but just gained a lot more than I expected.
I found out who I truly was. I started looking from the outside and started taking the steps to change. it wasn’t easy. I had to sacrifice, I had to overcome my flesh and go against my desires. I also had to overcome my complex issues and find the roots that were inside of me.
I learned to fight and overcome my desires. My relationship with God, my family and friends became even stronger and better. I have overcame my inner fears. I became a more open and honest person. I learned to accept the truth about myself, even if it wasn’t too good, and also I learned not to be afraid to tell others the truth to help them.
I am grateful to God for this great privilege of being able to participate in the Rush months. And this is only the first step, I won’t stop here. I’ll go forward even more, because there are still a lot of things that I can change.