Diary: I didn’t understand it…like that… (part 1)

Viviane Freitas

  • 24
  • Mar
  • 2015

Diary : I didn’t understand it…like that… (part 1)

  • 24
  • Mar
  • 2015

Maybe you won’t believe it, but on every trip I seek and ask God to reveal me something, to show me what He wants.

And even this year it seemed that I wasn’t hearing His voice … You will understand very well why, and detect the reason why, sometimes, you also find it difficult to hear Him.

Well! … To begin with, the year 2015 didn’t begin with smiles and I was not amazed by what had been achieved in the year 2014, but I was with my feet firmly on the
ground.

On the last month of last year, in December, there was the Campaign of Israel, in which I participated knowing what would be my sacrifice.

“My God, what a sacrifice!” – I would say…

It seemed like I was donating all the internal organs of my body and I was staying without them for my needs; such was the sensation of the pain.

For a while, I had asked for the salvation of my children, but my request was never very certain, because in my mind I thought that I didn’t have that right. That’s why I mentioned that, for some time ago, I had already asked for it. However, at the end of 2013, I really began to have the desire and this turned into a voice that echoed inside of me, telling me that if I asked for it I would have to materialize my faith through this petition. There was something I had to do in benefit of that, since I would have to get in touch.
And to be honest, I was very much afraid to do so, since we never had the opportunity to explain the situation to my children of what had actually happened and that we had already attempted to do things regarding that matter … But they all failed, because there was no answer!

From time to time, I would contact Vera, but she ignored me and that hurt me a lot, more than anything else. But now, before the faith I possessed, I had to face it—that is, “come out swinging” against my fear and impose my belief, not allowing myself to be submitted to where the fear induced me.

So at the end of 2014, God asks me for Luis…just as I was “reaping” my best days. Already baptized with the Holy Spirit, understanding the things of God more than at the beginning and also dedicating himself more to the Work…it was at that precise moment of my “reaping”, in seeing him as a man of God and taking part also in the process of his learning, that God asks me exactly for him!

Before presenting the envelope on the Altar, I took my son to sleep in the Church with the IBURD’s. He was walking on crutches due to a recent surgery on his knee.
How I cried in pain … How my soul cried out in pain … I was already entering into the envelope. I said to him, “Son, the two of us are entering into the envelope you and I!”

There were days that I cried … without control. It was in the car, it was at home, all the time.

Just at the height of when I would finally be his mother: to care for him, enjoy the only privilege that I would have since he came to me … He is taken!

Well, that is how it was determined by God to do so. So it was done!

During this course … I then travel to Israel and end up finding out that he would travel to a place I never imagined.

Can you imagine the farthest place that I never even thought there existed souls? And so it was!! And when I knew this, he was lifted as an IBURD to go on a mission … My God, I didn’t even do a party, as I usually do in everything that has to do with the work of God.

I said nothing and with an unbearable pain in my soul.

Thoughts kept coming and going … Like, “Now you’ll never see your son. And how will it be? Who will sustain him now as a newly born of God? Who will guide him? … “

My thoughts continued to be fueled by feelings, advocating, “My God, he did not even have the right to a reference of what it is to have a father of God nor a mother of God. We only had 9 months (time of a pregnancy) with him. How will he have for life, an example that we acquire over time in which we live with parents? “

Until one day, while I ate breakfast with my parents, Julio, and Bp. Marcelo Pires and his wife Marcia, I could not hold back the tears … I left the table and went to pray in the bathroom, such was my agony—Pain right in my soul! I bent my knees and cried, and could barely speak or breathe…just in the middle of my suffocation I was able to ask: “Help me Lord! I know I’m being selfish but I ask of you to help me have the strength to give him to You!”

The pain was so great; that moment was the 3rd time in my life that I cried intensely without air to breathe.

I continued to talk to God: “I know I have to give.” However, my being said just like this to God: “I don’t care about this place! I sacrificed all my dreams and future to serve You, and after all this time, when I had the faith to ask and insist on the petition that with so much sacrifice I conquered… now the Lord asks for my son? Ask for some other children whose mothers were able to accompany them during their life! Come on now! “
Meanwhile, Julio appears, because he knew I was not strong. He came with a sense of worry to know how I was doing, but when he saw me on the carpet of the bathroom in tears, asking for strength, he asks, “What happened Mimiu?” And I said: “Julio, it is being very difficult to give Luis. I know I’m being selfish but I can’t seem to do it… is beyond what I can bear…”

The pain I was feeling…it was like going back years ago when I had to let my children go and never again have news of them. How does one let go of that? If every time I spoke of them, it was to express what had not disappeared inside of me. The affection, the love, the longing was there, hidden. And every time I spoke, it was a way of putting out what never ceased to exist. Wherever I went, after I lost them, I shared my testimony of how hard it was, but oddly enough, I always cried without any shame. The pastors’ wives, poor things, had to hear about my past … I made of them my only refuge to express something that I was carrying within me. Julio also did not like talking about it because he also carried the wound of feeling helpless in front of that situation that was out of his reach.

So at that time, Julio very simply and without any pain said: “Miu! He is the Isaac we are offering to God! Shouldn’t you be happy that now you have an Isaac in hands to offer and present your best?”

Everything he said was the opposite of what I imagined he would say! Can you believe it?

I wasn’t feeling any pleasure in offering that sacrifice.

This episode happened days before the Retrospective of 2014 (December 27, 2014), just in the week that I was with many responsibilities and I had to be well in order to present an acceptable offering on the altar.

And there I was, without any conditions in front of what I was living…until I asked God for strength.

And you know what I did? I began to “move on,” that is to solve everything that was pending. I stopped paying attention to the time, waiting for the emotions to pass, and began to act. I took decisive actions. I spent less time with my parents and I went to church, I dedicated myself to the Retrospective. I changed the script; I removed the things that would not add to anything, in short… I evaluated everything. I didn’t want there to be anything emotional at all, even with the pain I was experiencing.

In addition, I was aware that inside the envelope were both Luis and I. But I did not stay focused on my needs. I put aside what I was feeling and went ahead, even though I was “in pieces” from the inside.

There was a prayer I did, that said the following:

– “Oh, God! Your people are not to blame for what I am going through now. They do not have the right to receive crumbs instead of knowledge. For I know that the Lord has blessed me in everything and allowed me to always know what to say. But I just don’t want to say Your Word, but be Your Word on the Altar. Forgive me! Because I give You Luis, whatever the cost may be.ass

I will not feel entitled or willful, nor do what my flesh asks me to do. But I will serve You, give my best and the people will not receive just a word, they will receive life, because at this moment, I am living my greatest surrender.”

The day of the event came and there I was, calm, serene, and quiet.

During this time, I was on a diet but I was not hungry at all. I had no desire to eat and just looking at the food made me sick. (Every time I lose my appetite it is because surely something is not right).

But I remembered Hannah, who after going to the temple and having done her vow with God, ate. I had to do the same, without hunger and even with queasiness towards the food…I ate.

I ate; even things that where not part of the diet, not with satisfaction, but because I didn’t accept to live by what I felt. I had to eat. My body trembled with weakness and needed to be well.

I was aware of what the people had to receive: life! And God also had to see that I was not satisfying my will, my feelings. On the contrary, it was me who didn’t want to present that on the Altar.

The Retrospective of 2014 in Lisbon was the best of any that I’ve ever done. From the beginning to the end, I saw God in everything. He was sustaining my body and also my envelope in His hands. Because it was very heavy—it had everything that I had at that moment.

(To be continued…)

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17 comentários

  1. Que esplêndido, a senhora compartilhar a sua história.

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    1. Que esplêndido! A senhora compartilhar a sua história.

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  2. Wow This has changed my vision in regards to how I see the work of God… God spoke to me in a way I cannot express myself with written words… Thank you Ms for being 100%

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  3. for sure this is touching it is not easy to give but is the way to our success and not regrets that I wish I gave what he asked .to do God’s will is to sacrifice our flesh.thanks

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  4. Thank you for sharing this experience with us Mrs Viviane , it has truly helped me , especially the part when you acted and decided to “Materialise” your faith . I will take this and apply to my faith .

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