Experience : How to get out of the cocoon?
Living like a shadow is worse than not living…
That was the conclusion I reached. Everything that I felt that made me see myself small, started to disgust me, so I started to hate that situation.
I was willing to start from scratch, learn all over again, not take care of anyone else at that time even it if was needed, but I began to take care of me. I felt trapped within myself and when I realized that, it was like an explosion!!!
It was as if the ground had crumbled beneath my feet, you know, for many years I based myself on the many things I did physically; I was always in church, everything they asked me to do I did, I didn’t give any trouble to my husband, and no motives for calling my attention, I was very organized and lived with discipline. But at the end of the day, the tiredness I felt became a burden, because deep down, when I reflected on my works, I realized that I had just added but hadn’t multiplied.
I used to give my life for my chores, but not for the people. I was inside the church and serving God, but there was no connection with Him, my time was too busy and when it came to me, I always left the most important things for later: listen to God, meditate on His Word and through it discover me.
And so, there before me was the opportunity because I could provoke a change to that situation; however, I also had to be willing to pay the price.
And that was how everything started happening, when I disposed myself to do it.
I gave up my responsibilities for a month. I did not have any conditions to give, I needed to receive, hear, and think…
In order for God to speak to me, I needed to withdraw myself and listen to Him.
What do you think I felt at that moment?
Thoughts bombarded me. What would people think of me? Me, the wife of a leader, not working in the meetings? Not attending people? Without moving from one place to another, busy with my responsibilities?!
That is it!!!
What was the point in maintaining an appearance before the people, and become increasingly distant from God?
There was a scream inside of me; I could no longer bear only doing things, I wanted to be, I wanted Him to speak directly with me, to stop relying on others, I wanted to be bold in faith, secure, intrepid, and come out of that lonely cold box where I’ve always lived.
I remember the outcry that I did. In fact, when you have a goal with God, your prayer is not something repetitive and you do not depend on the words of the pastor or the bishop at the meeting. You have the strength to express yourself to God, and vent out whatever is suffocating you.
I began to pursue what I wanted to build with God; and let me tell you, my Bible reading become meditations. I began to read carefully and would ask myself throughout the day what God wanted to speak with me through what I had read.
It stayed in my thoughts, it was not forgotten and it was not easy, because the more I sought, the more He revealed how far away I had been from Him till that moment. It was like lighting a Light and I saw clearly the filthiness inside of me, and how things were all out of place. You know, when we make a deep cleaning in our house, and we get surprised at the amount of garbage that was accumulated?
When I realized that I was crawling in my faith, and that is why I was just a shadow woman in the Work of God, investing in Him became my first step. That was my beginning with Him…
If you want to know how the story continues, and if you are identifying yourself with me because my story is similar to yours, get ready, a lot of things will still happen.
I’ll be waiting for you next week.