“Miss Perfect” – The Final Battle

My dears, for those of you who are having a hard time understanding these stories (I’ve noticed several comments about this) please read the previous articles, which are posted every Saturday. For those of you who are curious, I’m finishing up today, okay? 🙂

We left the restaurant and I felt so ashamed about myself.

A struggle began in my head. In the car, the driver commented on some interesting spots of Jerusalem, but I heard nothing. It was simply unacceptable! How could I be this way? It was the fight of the century: Patricia vs Patricia

My anguish grew and “clumped up” in my throat. I felt like crying. I swallowed it down, as always, as to not show weakness.

In the midst of this heated inner battle, my friend, did something unexpected that quiets the screams of pride in my ears: She, slowly, laid her head on my lap. That gesture silenced everything and suddenly there was a void, a silence.

Soon afterwards, they all boarded another bus and I went back to my seat. I looked to the side. There it was, the seat … empty again. I sat down and put on my sunglasses.

“Alone” … The voice was quiet and subtle, “You’re alone again.”

I choke, only this time I can’t hold back the tears. I cry quietly. Now, all that anguish I felt, that I didn’t understand before, revealed itself with all its might. I look at my reflection in the window of the bus…I see my face, but I don’t recognise myself anymore.

“You…crying? The one who claimed to be 0% emotional? You’re weak!” A sticky, dark voice, tries to drown me in a confusion of feelings.

I close my eyes, and only manage to whisper: “My God … God …”

Extreme situations require immediate responses: In milliseconds you have to decide who to listen to, and where your help will come from. There and then, I dug up from the inside my last ounce of strength – a word. It was inside me, like a treasure, but when I reached for it, it came out like a sword:

“God, it is written, You said Yourself, You would never leave me alone!” It was no longer a whisper. I could hear my own voice, cutting away at that sticky feeling that had taken over, “I’m not alone, I’m not! And I never will be.”

Phew! I straightened up and the strength that moment gave me made me dry my tears.

“Hello,” again someone abruptly distracts me from the inner battle. She sat next to me, introduced herself and, naturally, began to tell me her life-story. What surprised me the most was when she said: “I feel so alone!”

I looked at her with an unshakable certainty, grabbed her hand and said: “You are not alone, you never will be!”

September 2012

Here we are again, back to the beginning of the story: Alone again…after you overcome an emotion , it may not dominate you anymore, but that does not mean you won’t go through similar situations again. The reason why we chase after our inner problems is to discover their source – the, all too familiar, “root of the problem”.

At this point, my problem was no longer the selfish desire to have someone by my side to support me. I wanted to understand why I enjoyed being alone and work in silence.

Despite many changes in my character, I would always “select” my conversations. In certain situations, it seemed as though I was wasting time…

When the subject didn’t interest me, or I couldn’t relate to it – I was like a factory machine, that selects products and only accepts those of perfect quality.

I judged and condemned.

Most times without even saying anything – my attitude, expressions, manners, did it without me even expressing myself in words.

I drove people away with my “miss perfect” look. It was something I did in an effort to accept who I was, and be accepted by those around me. A disguise to escape the truth…the truth about myself.

God heard my prayer. That same day, a few hours later, a person asked to speak with me in private. She began telling me that she had never had any friends, that it was difficult for her to open up … to sum up: the story of my life. When she finished, she asked: “Would you be my friend?”

This was only the beginning of a story that is being written for all eternity. The time we spend here, the experiences we go through, which often hurt, are nothing compared to what one day will become visible in us – true Perfection.

Don’t think that this whole situation was easy to sort out, a few months later it appeared again – in a long black dress and a hat that seemed to touch the ceiling …. but that is for another story!

Continue following the story every Saturday, as some of my beautiful friends and I share our lives with you.

Big hugs!