I am recently married; I don’t have any desire to have relations with my husband…

Sara: No can reach their objectives or goals if there is doubt from within… That is why, in these past couple of weeks, I have been trying to clear all your questions/doubts regarding relationships. And today, it won’t be any different.

Today, I have my husband, Rodrigo Silva, accompanying me.

Pay very good attention because this can be your case and even you who are single, it is good for you to start learning so that you can avoid these types of situation in your relationships in the future.

The question for this week:

“I dont know if you can answer my question… But I am recently married and I don’t have any desire to have relations with my husband and I know that this could affect my marriage…”

-Maah Domingos

Sara: I would like, Rodrigo, if you could give your point of view as a man. Until what point does her lack of desire, the lack of wanting to be close with each other affect their marriage…?

Rodrigo: There are some few points that need to be clarified. She mentioned that she was recently married, yes? So, I think that the first thing that needs to happen here is that you need to be sincere and open with your husband so that you can find out why this is happening… because you guys are getting to know each other. Maybe, there isn’t that desire due to him, perhaps, reacting in a way during that time of intimacy, that you didn’t like. When that happens, you not telling him, doesn’t help him fix the problem.

Yes, it is dangerous; intimacy is an essential part of every couple’s relationship. It is part of having a healthy relationship; it doesn’t allow any space for any other type of problems to occur. Imagine, if Maah Domingos prays; if she keeps asking God to conserve the marriage for them to be happy…just imagine yourself… with those type of attitudes at home, in your day to day life, and when the time comes to be intimate,
you annul all your prayers. Having the right attitude is better than praying. I believe, the key principle here is in the fact that you guys are recently married. I think that there needs to be a sincere conversation: you explaining to him why you don’t have any desire, like you mentioned, so that you guys know what needs to change, to see what he can do and not do, and for you as well!

Sara: There can be the possibility, Rodrigo, I think, that they were “saving” themselves for marriage and him, as a man, can be “rushing” things: wanting too much, and she gets scared and doesn’t know how to handle that situation.

And I also want to clarify some points for you, Maah; Rodrigo gave his point of view as a man, but as I woman, I can tell you that a woman doesn’t function the way a man does. A woman doesn’t “look” and already want; a woman is more sentimental, she is more delicate.

Rodrigo: She needs something extra, yes?

Sara: Exactly. And if you are like the majority of women, always busy with work and home, and you get anxious with everything that you do… Without a doubt, at night, when the time comes that you two are alone, you’re still most likely still in “work mode” and still thinking about all the things you have to do. BUT, that moment, that time of intimacy between you two, requires that you give all your full attention. And that attention doesn’t only start at that moment, but throughout the whole day; one should be prepare themselves for the other. And so, your husband can help by being affectionate with you during the day, being close to you, sending a message, speaking with you… and you too (!) should prepare yourself mentally during the day, already thinking in your husband and the moment that you will be together with him. Everything starts in your head, with your thoughts. If you don’t think about it at all during the day, then at night, you won’t be prepared for that moment. It’s a task for both of you; one can help the other. Right, Rodrigo?

Rodrigo: Yes, and that is why we go back to the part about having that open and honest conversation. What is happening with many couples, generally speaking, when the problems come, instead of talking to EACH OTHER, and resolving it, she speaks with her mom, her co-worker, her friend at church, EVEN with God, but doesn’t speak with the actual person in this case her husband, or vice versa. So, sit, talk, explain what is going on, honestly, if this situation continues, it might happen that you will open a door of problems in your marriage. And I am certain that you did not get married for that.

Sara: I hope that we clarified your doubts, Maah, and I want to add that you can also consult a gynecologist, because there might be an internal problem and which might from your lack of desire/want, but to conclude, my friend, you have the upper-hand here, to be frank. Take advantage of that blessing that you are married with, I believe, the man that you love, and learn to enjoy your marriage. You doing your part, and him doing his, there is no way that this problem continues between the two of you.

A bug hug to everyone and see you next week with another “Answering Your Questions”….