Going Back to the Past – 10th Part

My father traveled to New York, and from there he invited Cristiane and Renata, plus Júlio and I, to a pastor’s meeting for some of those who were responsible. The trip was bought for 5 days or a week.

Arriving in New York, we participated in the meeting. I felt honored but at the same time indignant of being there. Something did not seem to fit . One of the messages he mentioned in this meeting was about Eleazar, son of Dodo (one of mighty warriors of David).

I remember that the meeting touched me deeply. The Spirit that was transmitted to us entered into my being, and I became sad… We went to where we were staying and I remember that I entered the room and said to God , “Oh God I want to be like this son of Dodo! I recognize that I am not. I want to be!”

The next day my father continued the meeting, and I mentioned something that was “boiling” inside of me; that I wanted to be that Son of Dodai. My father did not understand what I meant to say, and he reprimanded me in front of all the bishops and those responsible.

He said, “Daughter you are not going to enter through the window, no! You have to enter through the door!”

He said that because he thought that I wanted to be a leader, someone with great responsibilities. And in fact, Júlio, in that moment, was just a pastor of a church. He was not responsible for a country, state, or region. But that wasn’t my objective. The anguish that was in my chest was to be one of those mighty warriors of David! Read more in respect to these brave men in 2 Samuel 23: 8-10.

I did not see me being Eleazar. I did not see me with the characteristics of Eleazar the son of Dodo . And my soul grieved for that.

And on that day that my father reprimanded me in front of everyone there, I told myself: “You can scold me father! My pride is being humiliated, here and now! Even though he doesn’t know what happening inside of me, there is no need me to justify. Take advantage of this opportunity to step on my pride…” And what pride? The pride that justifies, the pride of feeling embarrassed in front of everyone, the pride of trying to show perfection, etc. …

…And in another day, something very impacting happened.

My father mentioned in the meeting that a wife, now many years in the Work of God, manifested with a demon. And that she didn’t know that she wasn’t liberated. To me, and I think for everyone there, it was very shocking, because we had never seen anything to discredit the conduct of a wife. She was a wife that was nice, always up for everything, etc. …

My God, that was a very big impact for me, that made me fear even more the state of my faith. I was conscious that I was at not at the highest level of my faith; I had already been distracted with soap operas, with insecurities…

And when that news was delivered, I was shaken to the core.
I remember that when I used to read the Bible, it looked like I already knew everything!
How could this happen? I was never like that before…

It scared me the fact that I did not have the characteristics of the Son of Dodai.

It scared me the fact that a faith with all already time in the Work of God manifested with a demon, without even committing a sin.

It scared me the way that I read the Bible, and how I nothing “spoke” to me!
My God, my soul appeared to be in the cave.

It was not in vain that I was in this meeting.

It was not in vain, even if Júlio was not one of those responsible.
So… would I remain with this anguish without doing anything?

No! My faith did not permit this!I had to go where I found refuge. That was when, after returning from one of those meetings, at night, where I went to my room, I left Júlio sleeping and urgently went to speak to God.

And when I reached the bathroom, in the middle of despair, without anyone knowing what was happening inside of me, I put my face in the toilet, like I was telling God that I was dirtier than the thing that most disgusted me – the toilet.

I really wanted a reply. My soul cried out for help for something that I wanted and believed in! My pain was not from the embarrassment of being scolded in front of everyone, but pain for my soul. Where was I was taking my soul: Along Jesus’ footsteps or my own footsteps? How was I before all that was happening around me?

I put my face on the toilet, and there I cried out insistently, “Look God, how I am! Look God how I am with my Bible reading! Look God, how weak I am, with fear that I am tricking myself in some way! Jesus, help me!!! I need you…” ( I do not remember the exact words, but it was something like that, and just remembering makes me cry.)

I finished praying and I went to sleep.

And when I woke up the next day, we found out that we were going to stay in New York. And that Renato would be going to England.

We went evangelizing for the first time in New York to a special meeting that going to take place in Madison Square. And there were pastors, en masse, in the streets divulging the event.

I met a wife that became a friend to me, Sara, was her name. She always spoke to me about the things relating to God, and that is what I looked for in someone. And she told me to read a chapter in Psalms.

After evangelizing, returning home, I went to read the Bible. And to my surprise, I was able to heard God’s Voice. It wasn’t the same sensation that I read it already. My God, I cried of happiness. God was speaking to me again! God heard my outcry!

I was filled with strength. Gone was that weight, that fear, the problems that were over me. I felt all-powerful once again! My faith was renewed!

We went to the headquarters in New York, and Bishop Renato Maduro, the one responsible for New York at that time, was looking for someone to stay in the English(speaking) church.

During that time the Spanish (speaking) church was going strong, and all the energy was focused there, and the English one was second in mind, since there were more people who spoke Spanish.

Bishop Renata Maduro wanted us to stay with him in the church headquarters, but necessity made us go to the English church.

For me nothing was a problem, everything was going to go great because the Spirit that was in abundance in my being, besides being touched, was infinite. I was in disposition to start and bring into existence what was not in existence. it didn’t matter what others said, what did matter was what was inside of me.

I resolved with God my troubles.

God restored me. He took my soul from that cave. And he gave me strength, even more than normal. Because of my necessity, I searched, with sincerity for that which was created.

And that is why I have immense reasons to praise God, because I found myself in need. And every time I found myself in need, I went to Him, and He supplied everything.

I love Him.

My relationship with God was just beginning, and in a more personal way because of the pain.