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Il dolore era insopportabile. Sembrava che il mio corpo stava morendo.
Mio padre era colui che mi chiamava di più in questo momento. E molte volte parlavo dell’afflizione che stavo vivendo. E lui, paziente, mi ascoltava e mi consigliava mediante quello che dicevo.
Un giorno, hanno deciso di farmi visita.
E quando sono arrivati, era l’ora del pranzo, ma il cibo non era ancora pronto. Lui è arrivato e mi ha dato una mano in cucina. E grazie a Dio è andata tutto bene. Dopo hanno riposato e siamo usciti.
Stavo vivendo momenti tanto difficili che, pensavo, se dicevo qualcosa, avrebbero sicuramente pensato che ero “indemoniata”. Ma il dolore era così grande, che andando verso il centro commerciale, ho detto a mia mamma: “Mamma, mi sento così angosciata. Sembra che è una depressione.”
Nemmeno sapevo che cosa fosse la depressione. Ma sapevo che la tristezza che sentivo era al di sopra di quello che avevo sentito fino ad allora. In verità, era superiore alla tristezza, era un’angoscia.
L’ho detto a mia mamma, con una voce “afflitta” e con un’enorme voglia di piangere. E mia madre mi ha risposto: “E’ proprio così, figlia. Hai perso i tuoi figli, e davvero non è facile.”
Non avevo mai sentito l’angoscia in quel modo, mi spaventava molto ciò che stavo sentendo.
Sembrava che non ci fosse via d’uscita.
E mi confondeva, come una persona che conosce a Dio, poteva sentire quel tipo di angoscia. E il diavolo approfittava per riempire la mia testa, che questo non era normale.
I miei genitori sono rimasti con noi per un po’ di tempo, e mi ricordo esattamente di quei giorni, che sono stati giorni meravigliosi. La loro presenza, la loro compagnia, parlava con me.
Loro se ne sono andati, e la lotta continuava.
Fino a che un giorno, in una campagna di santuario, in una chiesa piccola, con una ventina di persone massimo, sono entrata nel santuario con la mia busta “vuota”, ma con una decisione di consegnare il mio più grande sogno, che era sostituire i miei “ex-figli”, con altri figli!
Ho consegnato il mio futuro, avrei vissuto con il “dolore” per il resto della mia vita, semplicemente per poter servire Dio. Poiché non scambierai un sogno più grande che servire a Dio nell’altare, per nessuna necessità mia. Ed è stata con questa definizione che sono entrata nel santuario.
Nel santuario c’era un trono, e lì, in ginocchia, ho avuto l’opportunità di pregare e il tempo necessario, senza fretta, e consegnare la mia busta.
In quel giorno, mi sono versata in lacrime e ho parlato con Dio così: “Dio, io voglio servirTi nel Tuo altare, e Ti consegno il mio più grande sogno e necessità in questo momento. Sinceramente, Dio, non sento nessuna voglia di consegnarTi, perché ho bisogno. Non so nemmeno cosa ne sarà di me da qui in poi. Ma voglio servirTi. E Ti consegno.”
Mi sono alzata e sono uscita. Quando sono scesa due gradini, mi è venuto in mente: “Mio Dio, non commenterò niente di quello che ho fatto a nessuno, perché non so se riuscirò a compierlo.” E allora mi sono imbattuta con un collaboratore. E come moglie di pastore, ho concluso immediatamente che quel collaboratore poteva pensare che stavo piangendo per la chiesa, per il popolo, ecc. ed io lì, piangendo per una cosa che avrei già dovuto dare!
Mi sono ricordata che quando sono entrata nell’Opera di Dio, sono entrata con il compromesso di servire a Dio e di non pensare più nella mia vita. Il mio futuro si trovava nelle mani di Dio, il mio desiderio era di servire a Dio e non a me stessa. Questo è, dare la vita per le persone bisognose.
Però, ora, mi stavo versando per i miei dolori personali. E il popolo? Dove si trovava il mio compromesso con Dio e con il suo popolo, in quel momento? Da parte.. perché mi concentravo nella mia situazione.
In quell’istante, sono uscita piangendo ancora di più. Mi sono vista tanto egoista. Mi sono sentita in imbarazzo con Dio e offuscata dal mio obiettivo iniziale.
Dopo un po’ di tempo, non so quanto.. ma sembra che non sono passati mesi, nemmeno settimane, e c’è stata immediatamente una risposta. Non ho solo percepito il momento.
Ho visto la risposta di Dio nell’accettare il mio tutto, quando ho percepito in me che non sentivo più la mancanza di avere i miei figli sostituiti.
Da lì in poi, ho cominciato davvero a concentrarmi di più nella mia vita spirituale e in chiesa.
C’è stato un nuovo inizio di vita.
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